Moral Money: our reader wants her adult child to contribute now that he’s earning
Dear Sam,
He’s Moved Back Home but Isn’t Contributing” – Our Reader’s Dilemma
My eldest son finished university earlier this year and he’s moved back home for the foreseeable future. He’s been lucky and has quickly found a job – though as you’d expect, it doesn’t pay very much.
He’s been living at home for free, which my husband and I were fine with while he was job hunting – but now he’s being paid, we both agree he should be contributing.
Our finances are much tighter than before he went to university but I don’t think he’s realised and even the extra cost of buying food for him is becoming a struggle. Plus, he’s an adult now and he’s been paying rent while at university, so I don’t think he should be expecting a free ride!
The only thing is, after speaking to a friend with a daughter who’s a little older, she totally disagreed with me and said she’d never dream of charging her own child rent.
Am I being totally unreasonable? If not, how should I go about working out how much to charge him and how to broach the subject without causing an argument?
Any advice would be so helpful.
– Anon
Dear reader,
You are not being unreasonable, not one bit. I think your instincts are good and the fact you are even questioning yourself shows that you care deeply about both your son’s wellbeing and the fairness of the household.
The truth is that once your son has secured employment, it is not only reasonable but really healthy for him to begin contributing financially. It’s not about exploiting him or draining his modest income. It’s about teaching him that living costs are real, that households run on shared contributions and that independence comes with responsibilities as well as freedoms.
Your friend’s perspective is just that: one way of doing things. There is no universal rulebook for parenting adult children.
Some parents never charge rent because they want to provide an extended cushion for their offspring or perhaps because their own finances make the contribution unnecessary.
Others, like you, may not have that luxury or simply strongly believe that paying one’s way is part of becoming an adult. Neither approach makes a parent wrong but your circumstances are what count here, not anyone else’s.
It’s also important to acknowledge your own position. You say your finances are tighter than before. That matters.
A roof, heat, light, water, food, Wi-Fi, laundry – all cost money and having an additional adult at home is not cost-free. If you silently shoulder that extra expense while feeling resentful, you risk damaging your relationship with your son more than if you are upfront and honest with him.
Young people can be oblivious to the hidden costs of running a home. He may genuinely have no idea what it adds up to, especially if university accommodation costs were handled via student loans or with less visibility to him.
So how do you tackle this without it turning into an argument? The key is tone. Don’t frame it as punishment or as if he has done something wrong. Instead, frame it as the natural next step in his independence.
Sit him down at a calm moment – not when tensions are high – and explain plainly: “We’re proud of you for finding work so quickly. Now that you’re earning, it’s time to contribute. Running this house costs money and we need you to play your part.”
Keep it factual and avoid making it an emotional guilt-trip. If he is reasonable, he will respect the fairness in this.
As for how much to charge, it doesn’t have to be harsh. A common rule of thumb is around 20pc to 25pc of take-home pay but it depends on his salary and your household needs.
If he is on a very low income, a flat figure of perhaps £200 to £300 per month might be fair. That is far less than he would pay renting privately, yet it reflects real costs and keeps him grounded in reality.
You could, if you wish, make it clear that this money directly helps cover supermarket bills and household costs.
Or, if you don’t need it all, you could quietly set some aside in a savings account for him as a nest egg for when he eventually moves out. That way he learns the discipline of contributing while still benefiting from it later.
Ultimately, what you are doing is preparing him for the next stage of life. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give an adult child is the ability to stand on their own two feet. A few years of living entirely free of charge can foster unrealistic expectations and delay that growth. By asking him to contribute, you are instilling habits that will serve him for the rest of his life.
Your friend’s daughter may thrive under a different arrangement but your son will thrive under yours.
What matters most is clarity, fairness and consistency. Don’t apologise for expecting him to contribute. You are not being unkind: you are being responsible, both as a parent and as someone managing the wellbeing of your household. He may not thank you for it immediately but in time he will recognise that this was one of the ways you prepared him for adult life.
So no, you are not being unreasonable. You are being practical, thoughtful and fair.
Stand firm, explain your reasoning calmly and set a contribution that feels manageable for him and meaningful for you.
In doing so, you’re not just easing the strain on your household budget, you’re teaching him one of the most valuable lessons of adulthood: that we all need to pay our way.
All the best,
– Sam