Moral Money: our reader feels pressured to pause a fulfilling lifestyle
Hello Sam,
“I’m Being Asked to Sacrifice Everything I’ve Built” – Our Reader’s Dilemma
I know some of your readers will judge me harshly for what I am about to say but when we met recently to work out the finances around my pending life choices, you encouraged me to open up the discussion for others by posing my dilemma for your column.
I only ask that readers pause before labelling me.
I am a 35-year-old woman with a passion that defines me. I ride horses competitively. It is not just a hobby – it is the rhythm of my life, the community I belong to and the source of almost all my joy.
My days are built around training, caring for my horses and chasing the next competition. It demands my time, money, focus and fitness but it gives me purpose in return. My husband also rides, though not as seriously.
We married a few years ago and imagined we’d have a traditional future – children included. But since then, I’ve built a career I am proud of and found fulfilment in my sport.
Now, my husband believes it is time to start a family. I understand why but I feel torn. The expectation is that I will step away from everything I have worked for because that is what women are supposed to do when the clock starts ticking.
The truth is, I don’t feel ready to have a child. I feel ready to provide for one, emotionally and financially, but not to give up the parts of myself that I have finally learned to value. My body would be the one to change, my ambitions the ones to pause.
We are financially comfortable. I earn more than he does, though his personal wealth adds security to our shared life. I am proud of my independence. Yet, somehow, my refusal to sacrifice it makes me selfish.
I have looked into egg freezing but the success rates are poor. It feels more like pretending I will have children someday rather than making a genuine plan. I have even suggested – half in anger and half in honesty – that if having a child is the one thing my husband truly needs in life, perhaps he should find someone else willing to give him that. I don’t say it lightly.
This is not about rejecting motherhood. I love my husband and the life we have built but I cannot ignore the resentment I feel.
I’d love your advice on how to approach this.
Sincerely,
– Anon
Dear reader,
What an extraordinary and honest letter. This is the last of the current dilemmas for this season (we’ll be back in January) and I feel privileged to get the opportunity to respond.
You are right to ask readers to pause before judging. Too often, women are expected to surrender their autonomy in the name of duty – to a partner, to biology, to social expectation. Meanwhile, men’s ambitions are seen as noble pursuits. Your letter lays bare the double standard that continues to run through the lives of even the most independent, successful women.
You are not selfish for wanting to preserve the life and identity you’ve built. You are self-aware. Yet the truth is that when it comes to fertility, women are still forced to face trade-offs that men simply are not. Biology remains the most persistent barrier to equality and it is no wonder you feel cornered.
It is also important to recognise that your husband’s longing for a child is real and human. This is not just a clash of values, it is a collision between two deeply emotional truths. You fear losing yourself. He fears missing out on a chapter he imagined sharing with you. Both are valid.
If you are not ready to have a child, then do not. Parenthood borne of resentment or obligation serves no one, least of all the child. But do not stop the conversation there.
Instead, explore what might make you feel more comfortable with the idea and what might help him feel less shut out. You are financially comfortable, which does give you options should you decide to discuss them together with a fertility specialist – not because you must commit but to replace fear with information.
You are right that egg freezing is no guarantee but it is also not just an illusion of control. For some women, it buys a little breathing space – time to decide without a biological countdown ticking in their ear. The technology is not perfect but the choice itself can be empowering. Whether you use it or not, knowing you could can soften the sense of urgency.
Beyond the practical, you must consider what equality means inside your marriage. True partnership is not about identical roles but about mutual respect for each person’s purpose.
If he cannot accept your hesitation or you cannot imagine bending even a little, then you are confronting a much larger question. Are your lives still running in the same direction? Relationships can survive many things but not always a fundamental mismatch.
What you describe is not a rejection of motherhood, it is a plea for agency. Too many women still internalise the message that their worth lies in their reproductive choices. Yet fulfilment is not a single script.
Some women thrive as mothers. Others thrive as creators, competitors, professionals, mentors. Sometimes both, sometimes neither. The real measure of womanhood is integrity, not conformity.
So here is my advice. Take time to understand what you truly want, separate from guilt, fear or societal noise. Communicate with your husband with compassion, not defensiveness. Above all, trust yourself.
For centuries, women have been told to be grateful for the chance to bear children. Perhaps it is time we reframe that. The real privilege is to have a choice and to exercise it with courage, whatever that choice may be.
All the best,
– Sam