Moral Money: our reader is torn between guilt and resentment as he looks after Mum and Dad alone
Dear Sam,
“I’m Carrying This Alone” – Our Reader’s Dilemma
I am one of four children, all in our 30s. We live in different countries, although all born in the UK where I and our parents live.
My work has taken me from my birthplace in Northumberland toward London and I have lived in the South East for eight years with my wife and family. It’s a long way from Reading to Northumberland and it can take more than eight hours to get there.
My dad is unwell and my mum is struggling to meet his care needs and I am feeling two very strong emotions on a regular basis – guilt and resentment. Guilt that I am not more available to help and resentful that my siblings consider it my responsibility because I am in the UK and they are not.
One sibling lives in Italy and to be honest their flights home are quicker and cheaper than my journey by train from Reading. The others live in the US and Australia, so it’s more challenging for them, I admit – although both are at least planning to visit for Christmas.
I have asked my parents if they want to come and stay with us, maybe even move closer, but it is an absolute no. They feel somewhat aggrieved that all their children “upped and ran away at the first opportunity”, which is not a true reflection of the migration toward career prospects and lifestyle choices.
I’m sure I am not the only son feeling inadequate around the declining health of ageing parents but the demands on time and resources are a real threat to my promotion prospects and relationships with my wife and children, and are a financial strain in terms of travel and unpaid leave. How do others cope? What help can I realistically expect my siblings to provide? Surely, this should be a shared responsibility?
I am even starting to think about working part-time and seeking some sort of compensation from my parents’ estate or subsidy from my siblings to cover the financial damage to my circumstances.
If we have to move back North as a family this would have far reaching consequences for the children’s education and my wife’s career, as well as mine, plus we would be leaving our current friends and network behind.
While I can’t imagine how to work out the financial cost at this stage, it does seem to me that we should at least be compensated for that. Is this fair? Or does it seem heartless to need financial benefit for taking on the role of providing support to my parents?
Help!
– Anon
Dear reader,
You are not alone. Your letter captures a dilemma that is playing out in countless families.
We are living through a cultural transformation in the way families relate across generations. That shift, combined with longer life expectancy, patchy adult social care provision and more mobile careers is placing unprecedented pressure on adult children to become caregivers while holding down careers and raising children of their own. It is no wonder you are torn between guilt and resentment.
Let’s begin by acknowledging your feelings. You are trying to be a good son, husband, father and employee, while being pulled in opposing directions: guilt, because you care deeply and want to help; resentment, because you feel abandoned by siblings who, by virtue of geography, see this as your job.
These emotions are not a sign of failure. They are a sign of your commitment to your family and the impossible bind you find yourself in.
Geography is at the heart of this story. The fact that your parents remain in Northumberland while their children are scattered across the world is not unusual. According to the Office for National Statistics, more than half of adults in their 30s live more than an hour away from their childhood home.
In other Western countries, the contrast is sharp. In Italy, Spain and parts of Eastern Europe, it is far more common for multiple generations of a family to remain in close proximity. In some cultures, co-habitation with elderly parents is still the norm.
In the UK, we have become more mobile and, for many, upward mobility has required physical mobility. It is not that children ran away, but that they followed opportunity. That distinction may be lost on your parents in moments of hurt or fatigue but it is nonetheless the truth.
The crux of your dilemma is not really about proximity. It is about responsibility – more specifically, shared responsibility. You are the only one still in the UK, so the others have defaulted to the assumption that it falls to you to pick up the slack. This is unfair and unsustainable.
Your sibling in Italy may be out of the country but he is only a couple of hours away and should not be excused from supporting your parents. Your siblings further afield may not be able to jump on a plane every weekend but that does not mean they have no role to play.
There are many ways to share the load. They can contribute financially, help with care coordination, organise respite services, arrange meal deliveries, book home visits and take on admin tasks. They can offer emotional support to your mum and to you. The key is that they recognise this is not yours to carry alone.
This is where a calm but frank conversation is needed. Set out what you are doing, what the impact is on your career, your finances, your marriage and your children. Then ask clearly what each sibling is willing and able to contribute. The plan does not need to be perfect but it must be mutual.
You mentioned the idea of a written agreement. That does not need to be formal or legally binding. Even a clear email chain where responsibilities are laid out and each sibling replies to confirm what they will do can go a long way. Having it in writing helps avoid misunderstandings and holds people accountable.
On the question of financial compensation – you are not being heartless, you are being realistic. If you end up reducing your hours, passing up promotions or travelling at personal cost to support your parents, then it is entirely reasonable to ask whether the family estate can reflect that or whether siblings who contribute less time might contribute more money.
Many families work this out informally. Others involve mediators or financial planners. What matters is openness. Approach the topic not with accusation but with practicality. If the current situation is costing you now, how can the family recognise and mitigate that so that you are not penalised for doing the right thing?
It may also be time to revisit the conversation with your parents about moving closer or accepting help. Their refusal might stem from a desire to stay independent or a fear of change but ageing in a place without adequate support is rarely sustainable. If you cannot persuade them yourself, a third party such as a GP, social worker or care planner might help them see the broader picture. Sometimes people will hear the same message more clearly from a professional.
Finally, protect your own family. You cannot support your parents well if you burn out or damage your own household in the process. Work out what level of involvement you can give without compromising your marriage, your children and your career. If necessary, limit visits to once a month or look into local care support so that the pressure is not entirely on you.
You are already doing more than many would. You are trying to do the right thing and find a fair path through a difficult time. Keep talking, keep asking for help and remember that love alone is not enough. Support needs to be structured, shared and sustainable.
All the best,
– Sam