Moral Money: our reader wants to take action before the family is lumbered with huge debts
Dear Sam,
My elderly father-in-law, aged 83, has become reckless with spending. He has always lived on the edge financially, but has had the income and pensions to cover his debts. However, things are getting out of hand now.
Over the last year he has purchased three high-end cars, rolling over the debt from each one. He has also attempted to purchase a further second-hand car but was only stopped because he was at his spending limit and his credit score is poor.
My father-in-law has lived the high life, but at the age of 80, and unbeknown to his wife or children, it was discovered he still had a mortgage on the property he had lived in for the last 47 years. When the mortgage company requested the loan be paid back he had to sell the house – telling us all the cost of living was high.
He has a good monthly income, but he spends a good proportion of this paying off loans – mostly taken out on items he could have purchased outright if he would just save money each month.
Lately he has become more forgetful and has difficulty finding words – we have informed his GP of our concerns.
His two children have power of attorney registered, but we are concerned that he may take out a loan against the property as he is obsessed with getting another high-end car.
Is there any way we as a family can stop that happening to safeguard his wife incurring any more debt? As she has little or no income, if he were to die first she would be unable to continue paying off all the credit her husband has taken out.
Kind regards,
–Anon
Dear reader,
This is a difficult and emotionally charged situation, and you are right to be both worried and frustrated.
It is distressing to watch someone lose financial judgment, especially when it risks their own security and that of a loved one. You are also grappling with an ingrained pattern of behaviour that has only become stronger with age, and possible cognitive decline.
What you describe is not simply recklessness – it may now be impaired decision-making. And that changes the situation completely.
Your father-in-law’s behaviour is not unusual in older men who have defined much of their identity through success, possessions and control. For some, buying expensive cars is not about transport, but about maintaining a sense of vitality and relevance.
The difference now is that his finances can no longer sustain it and he is losing the capacity to recognise that.
You cannot reason through this the way you might with a younger adult making poor choices, because the problem is not just irresponsibility but a loss of judgment.
The first step is to treat this as both a financial and a health matter. You have already involved his GP, which was the right thing to do. Cognitive testing and a medical assessment are essential, because if your father-in-law is developing dementia – or another condition that affects decision-making – that provides a formal basis for protecting him from himself.
The GP can refer him for a memory assessment, and a diagnosis – even a provisional one – can make it much easier for you to take appropriate control under the existing power of attorney.
That brings us to the legal side. Since his children already hold registered powers of attorney, you have tools available, but they need to be used carefully and confidently.
If the power of attorney is for property and financial affairs and has been registered with the Office of the Public Guardian, they can step in now if there is evidence that he lacks the capacity to make financial decisions. It is not a comfortable move, and it can feel like a betrayal – but it is an act of care rather than control.
The test of capacity is not whether he makes bad decisions; it is whether he understands, retains and weighs up the relevant information about those decisions. If his desire to buy yet another car overrides all rational assessment of affordability or consequence, that is a strong indicator that he lacks capacity in this specific area.
In that case, his attorneys can contact his bank, credit providers and any potential lenders to alert them that he may no longer have capacity and that they should not extend credit. Financial institutions are usually responsive when they know a power of attorney is in place and that there are health concerns.
The next issue is the family home. You mentioned the risk of him taking out a loan against it.
If the property is in joint names, that provides some protection because any lender would also need your mother-in-law’s consent. If it is in his sole name, the attorneys should consider registering a restriction on the title with the Land Registry. This ensures that no further borrowing or sale can happen without their approval.
It is a simple but powerful safeguard that prevents further damage.
While you navigate this, do not overlook your mother-in-law’s vulnerability. She may not have the income or confidence to challenge her husband, especially if she has been financially dependent for decades.
It is important that she receives support, including financial advice of her own. If she has little or no independent income, she needs help understanding what her position would be if her husband dies first, or if his assets are depleted.
She may also need reassurance that intervention is not about taking control away from him but about preserving both their security.
You may find resistance from him, and it is likely to be fierce. Men who have lived for decades defining themselves through money and possessions rarely give up that autonomy quietly.
Try to avoid confrontation about specific purchases. Instead, shift the conversation towards shared goals – keeping him in his home, ensuring his wife is comfortable and protecting the lifestyle he is proud of. Framing it as a way to preserve his legacy rather than limit it can sometimes reduce his defensiveness.
Ultimately, this is about moving from enabling his impulses to protecting his dignity. Recklessness at 83 is not endearing, it is dangerous.
You have already shown great patience and foresight by recognising that this is not just about money, but about health and family stability. Use the legal authority you have, bring professionals into the picture and act now before another credit application turns into another crisis.
In families like this, the hardest truth is that love sometimes means taking the keys away, literally and figuratively. Your father-in-law’s “big toys” may once have symbolised freedom, but now they are a threat to the security of everyone he loves.
Acting decisively now, even if it causes temporary upset, is the only way to protect him and the woman who has shared his life for nearly half a century.
All the best,
– Sam