Moral Money: our devastated reader wants to be compensated for ‘broken promises’
“He Stole My Childbearing Years” – Our Reader’s Story
Dear Moral Money,
I have been in a relationship for just over 10 years with a guy I had hoped to marry. He called it off a few months ago. I am moving from heartbroken and incapable of functioning to trying to work out how to put my life back together.
This is how I came to discuss my situation with you, a financial planner. I agreed to write it up as a Moral Money dilemma because I am sure other women end up in the same place as I have and perhaps it will help to be open about how I feel and what can be done.
My ex and I were not married but we do own a flat together in which we lived and had been very much a couple for the past eight years. We met and were dating for a couple of years before this. We decided to buy a flat together when we both managed to land good jobs and could raise a mortgage between the two of us to get on the property ladder.
There have been some rough years when we have had to work out how to compromise for the benefit of the relationship and negotiate how much influence our respective families should have on our home and life, but I thought we had done well and were settled.
He tells me he feels, at 38, as though he still has a decade of enjoying his lifestyle and powering through with his career and is not ready for marriage and children, but he knows it has become a priority for me – so he is off!
Here I am at 34, eggs twitching, ready for the marriage and parenthood stage of life but unexpectedly single and emotionally devastated. I am tipping into the furious phase of the grief cycle because I feel as though he owes me big time and I want him to pay.
We had agreed between us that he would maintain a high-profile career trajectory and I would support this because when I wanted to be the primary carer when we had children. It meant that he could earn well to support our planned family. It was not an accident that we set up home where his work opportunities could be best served.
I worked too, but would have been better off in a more central location. When it came to one of us needing to give way because of diary clashes, it was always me. When work commitments got tough, I picked up a lot of his life admin and domestic responsibilities so he could focus on work.
Now I feel like these compromises have left me vulnerable and I am seeking compensation. However, it seems that because we are unmarried and these plans have not been formalised, I have no redress.
I am not emotionally strong enough right now to consider dating and who knows how long it will take to find a partner – or even whether I will at all. Given I desperately want to be a mother and time is running out, I am looking into IVF so I can preserve my chances while I am still fertile. It is expensive. I think he should pay.
Needless to say, he does not agree that he has any obligation to help with the financial burden of extending my childbearing capabilities even though he has always known how important it is to me to have children. He even cited the fact that he knows time is running out as the reason he ended the relationship.
I feel like he stole my childbearing years. Surely he should have some responsibility for helping me mitigate the damage to our plans caused by his change of heart and broken promises?
Dear reader,
Your story will resonate deeply because it captures something many people experience but often feel too ashamed or isolated to voice. A long-term relationship that ends just as you are ready to move into the next stage of life is not just emotionally devastating, it can feel like theft of time, opportunity and security.
When you add financial compromise into the mix, the sense of injustice is magnified. You are right to see this as a Moral Money dilemma because it sits at the messy junction of love, trust, finance and the law.
The raw truth is that English law does not recognise common law marriage, no matter how long you have been together or how much your lives have been intertwined. Unless there is a formal legal arrangement, such as marriage or civil partnership, there are no rights to financial redress for the years of emotional or practical support you gave in service of your shared plans.
The law will only recognise what you each legally own: in this case the flat you bought together and the mortgage you share. Any division of assets will be based on the paperwork, not the unwritten agreement that you would sacrifice career opportunities and domestic balance in preparation for a future family.
That feels desperately unfair and in many ways it is. You invested your time, energy and fertile years into a partnership that turned out to be conditional on his readiness for the next stage.
But the courts will not consider broken promises of marriage or parenthood a legal liability. His decision to prioritise career and lifestyle over family is not compensable in the way you hope, even though it leaves you shouldering the consequences.
That does not mean you are powerless.
First, you need to make sure the financial disentanglement of the flat is managed carefully. If you are both on the deeds and the mortgage, you have legal rights to half of its value, regardless of who paid more.
Do not rush into signing anything or agreeing to a buyout without legal advice. This is the one tangible asset where your rights are clear and it could be a critical foundation for your future.
Second, it is important to shift your mindset from seeking compensation from him to investing in your own resilience. IVF and egg freezing are expensive and it is natural to feel he should contribute since your shared life choices affected your timing. But if he is unwilling, the legal system will not force him.
This is where the painful pivot lies: acknowledging that he will not carry responsibility for your future family and redirecting your energy into making it happen for yourself.
If motherhood is your priority, you can start planning financially for it now, with or without a partner. That means budgeting with clarity, exploring whether your employer offers fertility benefits and considering all funding routes.
I also want to remind you that while time feels tight, at 34 you still have options. IVF success rates decline with age but you are not yet at the cliff edge. Egg freezing can buy you a little more time if you are not ready for motherhood immediately.
But perhaps most importantly, you do not need to abandon hope of partnership. It is common to feel at this stage that life has closed down but you have decades ahead where love, family and fulfilment remain very possible.
Where does the morality come in? Your ex-partner may have acted selfishly but he has been clear about his intentions before marriage or children bound you together. You, on the other hand, now face the moral responsibility of turning hurt into agency.
Dwelling on what he owes you may prolong your anger but redirecting that same energy into building your next chapter will give you back control.
I understand why you feel as though he stole your childbearing years but you still hold the power to shape what happens next.
The challenge is to accept the loss, recognise that the law will not give you the redress you long for and then ask yourself: what do I want my life to look like from here?
The answer to that question, painful as it is, will serve you far more than waiting for him to do the right thing.
All the best,
– Sam