This debrief explores what can happen when financial decisions arrive alongside grief, divorce, redundancy, illness or major life change, and why it can help to pause before making big decisions.
Women’s Wealth recently hosted a panel talk called When Money Arrives at a Difficult Time, bringing together three specialists to explore the emotional, psychological and financial impact of receiving money during a difficult life event.
If you missed it, or would like to revisit the conversation, you can catch the replay here.
You can also download the free guide created for the event.
Money, emotion and difficult decisions: key takeaways
The conversation brought together:
Samantha Secomb, founder of Women’s Wealth and Chartered Financial Planner
Lizzie Pickering, grief educator, author and specialist in life transitions
Dr Emma Hepburn, Clinical Psychologist, author and illustrator, also known as The Psychology Mum
Together, they explored what can happen when a lump sum arrives at a point when life feels anything but steady.
That money might come through bereavement, divorce, redundancy, illness, insurance or planning ahead. On paper, it may look like “having money”. In reality, it can feel much more complicated.
There may be relief.
There may be pressure.
There may be grief, uncertainty, guilt or fear of getting it wrong.
Often, all of this is happening at once.
Money can arrive before you feel ready for it
One of the central themes of the panel was that money does not always arrive at a calm or convenient time.
It can arrive after the death of someone close.
It can follow a divorce or separation.
It can come after redundancy, illness or a major change in family life.
In those moments, financial decisions often land at the same time as emotional and practical disruption.
You may be dealing with paperwork, tax, probate, pensions, insurance, legal processes, housing decisions, benefits, family expectations or a completely changed sense of what life looks like now.
That is a lot for anyone to hold.
The guide created for the event describes this clearly: sometimes money arrives “at exactly the moment life feels least steady.”
Brain fog and overwhelm are not personal failings
Dr Emma Hepburn explained that many of these life events sit high on the scale of stressful experiences. When someone is under pressure, overwhelmed or experiencing complex emotions, decision-making can become much harder.
That is not because they are incapable.
It is because the brain is trying to process too much at once.
Lizzie Pickering also spoke about brain fog, particularly in grief. She explained that it can continue beyond the first few weeks and may be triggered by birthdays, anniversaries, absences, paperwork or moments when the reality of loss resurfaces.
This matters because financial decisions are often expected at exactly the point when someone’s mental bandwidth is reduced.
As Sam said during the conversation, being caught in the headlights or rushing to sort everything out does not mean you are bad with money. It means you are a human being going through an emotional experience while being asked to deal with financial issues.
Rushing and avoiding are both understandable responses
The panel explored why people often respond in one of two ways when money arrives during a difficult time.
Some rush.
They want to get things sorted, reduce uncertainty or make the discomfort stop.
Others avoid.
The paperwork feels too big. The decisions feel too final. The emotional weight attached to the money makes it hard to even look at.
Neither response is a sign of failure.
They are common human responses to stress, grief, overwhelm and pressure.
The issue is that both can carry risk. Rushing can lead to decisions that are hard to undo. Avoidance can mean missing deadlines, losing opportunities or allowing the pressure to build.
That is why one of the most important messages from the event was this:
A pause is not the same as doing nothing.
A pause is not the same as doing nothing
When money arrives at a difficult time, there can be a strong feeling that everything must be dealt with immediately.
But not every decision has the same urgency.
Some things may need attention now.
Some things may have deadlines.
Some things can wait.
The guide encourages people to think in terms of creating space rather than delaying progress. That might mean making sure money is somewhere safe, gathering information, or writing down questions rather than trying to answer them straight away.
This was echoed in the panel discussion.
Sam talked about the importance of stabilising first: dealing with what needs to be dealt with, creating a sense of safety, and allowing enough time before making major or irreversible decisions.
That is especially important when the money carries a painful emotional meaning, such as inheritance after bereavement or insurance money connected to illness or death.
What needs attention now, and what can wait?
A practical framework from the guide is to begin with three simple questions:
1. What needs attention now?
This might include day-to-day living costs, essential expenses, immediate commitments or deadlines.
2. What can wait?
Many decisions do not need to be made straight away. It may be reasonable to leave some questions open while you understand your situation more fully.
3. What might this money need to support over time?
This does not need to be a full plan. It might simply be a first sense of what matters: security, flexibility, stability, family support or the ability to make life feel more manageable.
The aim is not to produce perfect answers.
The aim is to move from overwhelm to a way of approaching things, one step at a time.
“Sadmin” is real
One of the phrases that came up during the discussion was “sadmin”: the difficult life admin that often follows grief or major change.
It might include contacting banks, pension providers, insurers, government departments, solicitors, accountants or other organisations.
The task itself may be practical. But the emotional load attached to it can be heavy.
During the panel, Lizzie suggested a simple approach: set aside a short amount of time, such as 15 minutes, for one piece of admin. When the time is up, you have permission to stop.
That kind of structure can make an overwhelming task feel more manageable.
It also shifts the focus away from “I need to sort everything” and towards “What is one small thing I can do today?”
Shame can make it harder to ask for help
Another important theme was shame.
Shame can show up when someone feels they “should” know how to deal with money, paperwork or financial decisions.
It can show up when someone feels they are not coping.
It can show up when a person has had a successful career, managed other complex areas of life, but still feels lost when faced with pensions, probate, investments, tax or a lump sum.
The panel was clear: this is not a character flaw.
Money is a skill. Financial systems are not always explained clearly. Many women have never been properly shown how this world works.
And when that lack of clarity collides with grief, divorce, redundancy or illness, it is very understandable that decisions feel harder.
The right support can change the weight of the task
Support came up again and again during the panel.
Not because people need everything taken over.
But because the right support can make things feel clearer and more manageable.
The guide breaks support into three broad areas:
Practical and administrative support
Help with paperwork, processes, probate, estate administration, financial agreements or tax questions.
Financial support
Help understanding what you have, what your options are, and what decisions may need to be made.
Emotional support
Space to talk, process what is happening, and feel less alone in the situation.
The important thing is not to gather every type of support at once.
A simple first step may be choosing one person, one professional or one area of support, and beginning there.
Questions asked at the event
How best can you deal with the DWP?
One attendee asked about the difficulty of dealing with the Department for Work and Pensions, particularly where bereaved people are waiting for support or being asked to repay money.
Sam acknowledged how frustrating and difficult this can be. Her practical suggestion was to create an audit trail wherever possible, rather than relying only on phone calls. Written records can help you keep track of what has been asked, what has been said and what still needs to be resolved.
What can professionals miss when supporting someone through a major life event?
The panel discussed that some professionals may focus only on the technical facts and miss the emotional reality of the person in front of them.
Someone may not be refusing to make decisions. They may simply not be able to think that far ahead yet.
This is why it can be important to work with professionals who understand that grief, stress and identity change can affect how people process information, make decisions and respond to advice.
How do you deal with money that has not been “earned”?
Another question raised the feeling of receiving money that has not been earned, particularly where a mortgage has suddenly been paid off or a lump sum has arrived through painful circumstances.
This can feel aimless, flat or uncomfortable, even if other people assume it should feel positive.
The panel’s message was to wait before making major decisions, especially if the money carries a difficult emotional meaning. Over time, as life begins to feel more settled, it may become clearer what the money needs to support and how it can fit into the next version of life.
A simple place to begin
If you are in this situation, you do not need to solve everything at once.
A simple first step might be:
- write down what has arrived
- note where it has come from
- list any deadlines or letters that need a response
- separate what needs attention now from what can wait
- write down the questions you have
- choose one area where support would help
That may not feel like much.
But it is a starting point.
And sometimes, a starting point is exactly what is needed.
Useful resources
Download the Women’s Wealth guide
When Money Arrives at a Difficult Time
Watch the replay
Revisit the full panel conversation with Samantha Secomb, grief educator Lizzie Pickering and clinical psychologist Dr Emma Hepburn.
GOV.UK
Step-by-step information on what to do when someone dies, probate, estates, redundancy and legal processes.
MoneyHelper
Free, impartial guidance on money, pensions, bereavement, benefits, redundancy, divorce and financial wellbeing.
Citizens Advice
Practical support on rights, benefits, housing, debt, work, family matters and what to do after a death.
AtaLoss
A UK-wide bereavement signposting website helping people find support services and resources.
Cruse Bereavement Support
Bereavement support, information and guidance for people who are grieving.
Sue Ryder
Grief support, online resources and bereavement services.
The Good Grief Trust
A signposting organisation for bereavement support.
The Good Grief Festival
Talks, resources and conversations around grief and loss.
More from our speakers
Samantha Secomb
Founder of Women’s Wealth and Chartered Financial Planner
Website
Sam has over 30 years’ experience in financial planning and specialises in supporting women through complex financial moments, including bereavement, divorce and major life change.
Lizzie Pickering
Grief educator, author and specialist in life transitions
Website
Lizzie works with individuals and organisations to deepen understanding of grief and support people as they return to life and work following loss. She is the author of When Grief Equals Love.
Dr Emma Hepburn
Clinical Psychologist, author and illustrator
Website
Dr Emma Hepburn, also known as The Psychology Mum, helps people understand how stress, grief and emotional load affect thinking, capacity and decision-making.
Somewhere to begin
When money arrives at a difficult time, you may feel pressure to know what to do.
But you do not need to have everything worked out.
You only need somewhere to begin.
If this conversation helped you feel a little clearer, that is enough for now.
Watch the replay
Download the guide
This article is for general information and education only. It is not personal financial advice, tax advice, legal advice or psychological therapy. The right next step will depend on your own circumstances, so please seek appropriate professional support where needed.